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어느새 사월사일이나 되어버렸다. 시간은 없는것같고 마음은 초조하기만 한데 초조한만큼 반사적으로 부지런해지는것은 전혀 아니다. 초조한마음이 수축에 가깝다면 마음의 이완을 위해 합리적이라면 부지런히 부단하게 논문을 디립다 파야할텐데, 난 자꾸 그 외의 이완법을 찾는다. 아이고. 어쨌건 이 시간만 되면 열심히하자!라는 맹새만 죽어라고 한다.
선생님이 사무실을 옮기셔서 도와드리고 왔다.
무덤덤한 반복의 매너리즘이 저 발 끝에 보인다. 나이와 함께 찾아온 것이다. 순간 생각해보면 피한다고 해도 피하지 않는다고 해도 소름끼치는 상황인것이다. 하지만 순간 또 생각해보면 아무렇지도 않은, 무덤덤-덤=무덤.
손을, 눈을 게을리하지 말자. 촉감을, 빛을, 구조를, 느낌을, 가능성을.
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